Returning
by Lkay09
Summary: James saved Lily from the worst moment of her life. But years later, after they are married, he reminds her in an unforgivable way, and she walks out on him. Rated just in case
1. Prologue

**A/N:** So this plot was floating around in my head – this is just the prologue, I'm still working out the details of what I want to do with it, how I want it to turn out. I'm also trying to finish Year Seven of "Seven Years With Lily" but that's nearly done, so I felt safe starting this.

* * *

She was curled up in a ball in the darkest corner of the alley when he found her. Her skirt was ripped, as was her shirt. She had bruises all over her arms, legs, and face. He knew there were probably some on her stomach and back as well.

She whimpered and tried to get even further away from him when she heard footsteps. She thought the man was coming back to hurt her again.

"Shh, Lily, it's me, it's James," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with vacant emerald eyes, eyes that usually sparkled and laughed and blazed. It was that, more than anything, that broke his heart. In all the years that he had known her, nothing had been able to extinguish the spark behind her eyes. And yet, here she was, hugging her knees to her chest, her wand laying forgotten on the other side of the alley, her eyes as lifeless as any he had ever seen in corpses.

When she realized he wasn't going to hurt her, she relaxed marginally. He stepped slightly closer and held his hand out to her. She looked at it as if it was going to hurt her, her eyes flicking back and forth between his hand and his face.

"Lily, it's ok. We need to take you to St. Mungo's. You need to see a Healer. I'm going to take you, okay? Just take my hand and let me help you up."

Her eyes kept moving between the hand he held out and his face. Finally, she reached up and slowly, timidly, placed her small hand in his. He pulled her gently to her feet, and swore under his breath when he saw the blood staining the front of her torn skirt.

She stumbled, her legs giving way. Without hesitating, he scooped her up and carried her, one arm under her back, the other under her knees. She tensed, stiffening in his arms, and he hastened to placate her, to get her to relax.

"Sirius," he added quietly. "Pick up her wand." His best friend nodded, and swiftly moved into the shadows to wear her wand lay.

He carried her out of the alley and down the road, walking briskly towards St. Mungo's.

* * *

**A/N:** Please review! I won't update unless you do! Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it!


	2. Rebuilding

**A/N:** Okay, I'm really nervous about this story. The way I want it to take shape and have everything progress is still sort of forming in my brain. But read on please! And then click the pretty green button that says review!

**Disclaimer:** Nope - don't own Harry Potter, Lily, James, none of nothing ;)

* * *

Two Years Later

I looked out the window of the Leaky Cauldron onto Muggle London. I could see him down there, watching me, waiting for me to come talk to him. I wouldn't though.

I sighed and shook my head, turning away. I couldn't speak to him yet – it had only been a few weeks since that fight. I wasn't ready to talk to him again. He knew I didn't want to talk about or think about what had happened in the alley behind the Hog's Head two years ago, and he didn't usually push me on it. But that fight, in the kitchen…

I sighed again, and pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind, absentmindedly twirling my wedding rings on my finger. It still sometimes shocked me that I was married, even though I had been for a little over a year now. I hadn't thought I could ever trust another man to come near me. But James…he saved me. I would have probably been locked in the crazy ward at St. Mungo's, or jumped off the Astronomy Tower at Hogwarts, if it hadn't been for him.

I shook my head, red curls smacking my softly in the face. I didn't want to think about any of it for awhile. I was going to focus on getting a job. Tom had offered to let me stay for free – at James's nagging, I'm guessing – but I had refused. I was in Healer training, but that wasn't a paying job yet and it was still in the paperwork, test taking stages. I needed actual wages.

I slipped out the back door of the Leaky Cauldron, making sure to avoid the bar, where James was sitting. If he really wanted to corner me, he should have sat watching the stairs, not with his back to it. He wasn't even looking at the mirror over the bar – if he was, he would have seen me walk quietly by him.

After tapping the brick that led to Diagon Alley, I walked down to Flourish and Blotts. I guess that would be predictable of me – Lily Ev-Potter (I still wasn't used to that), resident bookworm, practically lived in the Hogwarts library for seven years, going to work in a bookstore.

I got lucky. Mr Blott was more than willing to let me work there for awhile. I knew it would be the last thing James wanted – me working – but this was something I had to do for myself, not for my husband. I needed to see if, painful as it was to consider, I could live without James for awhile. Mr Blott told me to return in a few hours, and he would have some stuff for me to do. They weren't usually very busy this time of year – it was the end of the Hogwarts school year almost.

I knew that he would still be at the Leaky Cauldron, and so instead I spent the time wandering around Diagon Alley, content. I visited all the stores I hadn't been to since I left Hogwarts – the Apothecary, Madam Malkin's, everywhere. I even visited Quality Quidditch Supplies, but not for long – the place was filled with things that screamed "JAMES" at me.

It was so tempting to Apparate into Hogsmeade – I hadn't been there in two years either. But I was still scared. James was right – I was avoiding everything from that night, but he hadn't _been_ there. He had no _idea_ of what I was put through, damnit!

I guess that was really my fault more than anything. He was my husband, the love of my life, and yet I refused to let him in. He healed me, saved my life in so many ways, and yet I blocked him out of that part of my life. I trust him with my life to the ends of the Earth and back, but I knew that if I told him what really happened that night, behind the Hog's Head, he wouldn't want me anymore. He wouldn't love me. It just wasn't possible. And despite his best efforts, I didn't really believe he loved _me._ It seemed sometimes like he loved the broken person he found in the alley, like all I was, was a person who needed to be saved. But I'm not – I have feelings, and a heart, which he snapped into pieces that night in the kitchen.

I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind – I wish I could say _out_ of my mind, but I knew they would never leave – as I started work a few hours later. I had to alphabetize some of the books, and then unpack a new order in the back. Then, Mr Blotts said, I could go home.

If only I had a _home_ to go to.

I usually managed to avoid thinking about painful things fairly easily during the day. But at night, they crept up on me, giving me nightmares that more than once, James had had to wake me up and hold me until I stopped crying. Even then, I couldn't make myself open up to him. And now what I knew what our marriage, and everything we had ever had together, was all about, I'm glad I didn't.

Instead of a home and a husband and training for a career in healing like I once had, I now had a room at the Leaky Cauldron, a stranger, a job at a bookstore, and a broken heart and fragile mind. But I knew I could rebuild my life. It wouldn't be the first time.


	3. Reminiscing

**Disclaimer:** If I owned this, I would not have to worry about paying for tuition, finding a job, or where I'm going to live in a few years. Since I worry about all of those things day in and day out, I obviously don't own this. Kappish?

* * *

"I fucked up, Sirius."

My best mate simply sat looking at me. We were at his flat, where I'd been staying since Lily walked out three weeks ago, and I was finally falling apart.

When I didn't elaborate, Sirius took it upon himself.

"What did you do?"

I knew him well enough – nobody else would have been able to pick out the anger lying beneath those words. Because I hurt Lily. Again. And to Sirius, Lily was like his long lost sister. Even in school, when she and I were constantly at each other's throats, starting in about fourth year, the two of them became friends. It caused me untold jealousy to know that my best mate was close to the girl I was in love with, even though the logical part of my brain told me over and over that Sirius would never do anything like that to me. And that logical part was right. It just took us a few fights to figure it out.

But Sirius was really protective of Lily, and had gotten even more-so since we found her behind Hog's Head two years ago. Even I wasn't safe from his anger when it came to her.

"Do you remember," I began, avoiding his question, "back when we were at Hogwarts?" Sirius was silent. I focused my eyes on the wall in front of me, not really seeing anything. I laughed bitterly.

"Everything was so simple then – I loved Lily, she hated me, you two were friends. Throw in the full moon and the mischief we made and you have a perfect summary of seven years." I shook my head.

"You know, I remember one day, the five of us were by the lake in seventh year – that was the day that I thought that maybe, just _maybe_, Lily and I would end up together.

_I walked over and sat next to her, ignoring the fact that she scooted away from me. I simply scooted closer. She sighed and looked up from her book._

"_What, Potter?"_

"_Whatcha reading?"_

_She sighed again. She did that a lot around me._

"_A book."_

"_Wow, Lily, sarcasm. I'm impressed – I didn't know you had it in you, really."_

"_Potter, for once-"_

"_James," I couldn't help interrupting. She arched an eyebrow. "My name is James. Would it kill you to actually use it, instead of calling me 'Potter' all the time?"_

_She seemed to consider this for a moment, studying me._

_Lily smiled – a genuine smile, the first one she had ever directed at me since…I don't know when. The first one ever, probably_

"_James," she said softly, still smiling, like she was testing it out, to see how it sounded. I could feel my insides getting all warm and fuzzy. I wouldn't have been surprised if I started floating off the ground. My name sounded a thousand times more amazing coming from her lips. I could sit here and listen to her say my name, and nothing else, for the rest of my life._

"_James," she said again, this time decisively. "I like it."_

"Yeah, Prongs, I remember that day," Sirius said, snapping me out of my reverie. "Now tell me what you did to her." The anger was still there – his tone was much sharper now than before.

"I fucked up."

"You said that already." Sirius was practically growling now.

"We had a fight. And we both said and did some things we regret. But me…I really, _really_ messed up. I can't even begin to explain how bad. I went to the Leaky Cauldron earlier to try to talk to her – it's been three weeks, after all – but she wouldn't come near me. Somehow, she got into Diagon Alley without me knowing, and I found out later from Tom that she now has a job at Flourish and Blotts. Why would she do that? She's in Healer training!"

"Maybe she's trying to fix her life, figure out what she really wants to do."

"But what's there to fix?!" I exploded, unable to sit any longer. I began pacing back and forth across Sirius's living room, all my pent up frustration trying to work its way out. "Nothing! Everything is fine!"

"James I think that, seeing as how she now lives at the Leaky Cauldron and you now live here and the two of you haven't been in the same room – let alone spoken – in three weeks, there _is_ something that needs to be fixed. And maybe she's trying to do it now."

"But I'm her husband," I replied helplessly. "She's supposed to come to _me_ when she needs help. Why won't she?"

"I think that you already know the answer to that. But why don't you enlighten me?"

* * *

**A/N:** Mmkay...so in the next chapter, almost everything will be revealed - why Lily left James and most of what happened in the alley behind Hog's Head. But I haven't started writing it yet, so I hope this is enough to tide y'all over for awhile. :)


	4. Reliving

**A/N:** So, sorry it took me forever to get this chapter up (well it seemed like forever for me). My Spring Break just started, so I have been traveling a little, plus I got stuck. But here it is.

**IMPORTANT NOTE:** I know that I've done one chapter from Lily's POV and one from James's - this one is from third person and it's a flashback of the night of the fight when Lily left. Sorry if all the flip-flopping is messing with y'all but I just felt that this story would come out better from all perspectives.

Anyways, read on, enjoy!

* * *

"_Lily, I'm home!"_

"_In the kitchen!" She called back._

_James walked through their living room to the kitchen. Lily was standing there, supervising a bowl of something that was mixing itself. He leaned against the doorframe, smiling slightly at the sight of his wife. Her red hair was pulled back into a ponytail – a few errant strands escaped and floated down to her cheeks. Her cheeks were red as well – cooking spells had never been her strong point._

_She looked up at him standing there and smiled as well. Lily honestly didn't know what she would do without James sometimes. He was so frustratingly handsome and adorable just standing there, and she wondered at least once a day how on Earth _he_ had fallen in love with _her_._

_He came and wrapped his arms around her waist and placed a kiss to the side of her head. She leaned against him and they both watched the spoon stir the contents of the bowl – it looked like it was mashed potatoes. Lily sighed contentedly and turned in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her head into his chest, listening to his heartbeat._

"_How was work?"_

"_Work was work," he replied quietly, pressing another kiss to the top of her head. "How was your day? Training still going well?"_

"_Yeah, I guess. I'm still filling out forms and taking tests so they can gauge my aptitude and other things like that." She yawned. "And I'm so exhausted."_

"_You didn't sleep well last night."_

_Lily tensed slightly. "It's all this stress about training. It's keeping me awake at night."_

"_Lily…" James said warningly. He knew she had another nightmare last night and she was avoiding it _again_. She pulled out of his arms and moved back to the stove, supervising the stirring spoon. Her back was rigid._

_Lily stared at the pot without really seeing it. She could feel James staring at her back. She knew he wanted to talk about it – he had held her and talked her back to sleep after the nightmare, and for once he hadn't pushed her to talk about it. Until now that is._

Damnit,_ she thought, frustrated. _Why can't he just leave it alone? He always has to push it.

"_What was it about?"_

"_It was nothing."_

"_Bullshit."_

"_James-"_

"_No, Lily, this time you are going to tell me about it."_

"_No."_

"_Yes."_

_Lily whirled around to face him, hurt, anger, and fear sparkling in her emerald eyes._

"_Why?" she shrieked. "Why do you absolutely _have _to know the details? Why can't you just leave it bloody well alone?"_

"_Because I'm your husband, damnit!" he yelled back. "You are supposed to trust me and tell me when something is wrong with you so that I can help you and take care of you and make you feel better!"_

_She shook her head and he was temporarily mesmerized by the light glinting off her red hair._

"_James, I am _begging _you: please, just leave it alone."_

"_I can't do that Lily."_

"_Well why the hell not?" She was yelling again._

"_Because I can't ignore it when something keeps waking my wife up in the middle of the night from nightmares, screaming and crying. It breaks my heart to see that Lily, and I need to know what is tearing you up so bad!"_

_She shook her head again._

"_It's something to do with what happened in the alley two years ago isn't it?" he asked softly. Her head jerked up. "I knew it."_

"_You…don't…know…_anything_…" she said harshly._

"_BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET ME KNOW!"_

_Lily recoiled slightly. She and James had had some fights, yes, and they had yelled at each other, yes, but he had _never_ yelled at her that loudly or in that tone, like he…hated her. And that was why she had never told him the truth – she knew he really would hate her, and she couldn't take that. James was her whole world._

"_I have my reasons," she whispered._

"_And I don't care," he replied bluntly. He took a step towards her and she took a step back towards the stove. He took another step and she retreated. James could have sworn he saw a tiny hint of fear flicker in her eyes. He stepped closer and she stepped away again. This time, her back hit the stove and he was certain he saw fright on her face._

_Lily was fighting to push the memories back. James was advancing on her just like _he_ had, although she was reminding herself every second that James didn't know, and so it wasn't his fault he was scaring her. But he did know that she hated being backed against something - being trapped._

_He stepped towards her again – there was barely three inches from her. Ordinarily she didn't mind being so close to him - in fact she usually loved it - but he was mad and she was pressed against the stove and she felt trapped and it terrified her._

"_James, please…"_

"_Not until you tell me."_

"_No please, just stay away from me."_

"_Not until you tell me." He took another step closer. He knew he was scaring her, and he hated it, but he was hoping that she would finally tell him what was going on with her._

"_James-" She sounded petrified and tears were pouring down her face._

"_Tell. Me. NOW."_

_Lily felt something snap inside of her._

_James saw Lily break and knew he would never forgive himself for doing this to her._

"_I WAS RAPED!"_

_The bowl that had been sitting on the stove shattered._

_He felt something inside him shrivel up._

"_Wh-what?"_

_Lily sunk to the floor, her back pressed against the oven still. She stared at him, but he knew she wasn't really seeing him._

"_I…was…raped. That night in the alley. He Crucio-ed me until I could barely breathe, let alone stand or defend myself, and then…and then…"_

_Her emerald eyes, usually so sparkling and full of life, were vacant and unseeing. She stared up at him._

"_And now you finally got it out of me. By cornering me against the stove. And trapping me. You physically trapped me, and you know I hate to feel that way ever since that night. I can't stand to have my back pressed against a wall without being able to escape. And that's what you did to me, all because I wouldn't let you in on my little secret. You used one of my worst fears against me."_

"_I know." His voice was hoarse._

"_Happy now?"_

_James felt like he had been slapped._

"_No – _no_, I'm not happy. You shouldn't have – that man – I pushed – Lily, I'm sorry – damnit-"_

"_You're right," she said coldly, looking up at him from her spot on the floor. "You pushed. You should have left damn well alone and let me tell you when I was ready."_

"_You weren't ever going to tell me." Lily opened her mouth to interrupt, but he talked over her. "It's been two years Lily, two years of you suffering and me wondering what was hurting you so bad. Two. Years."_

"_I was dealing with it."_

"_How?"_

"_In my own way, okay?"_

"_No, not okay!"_

_Lily flared up, her eyes smoldering as she slowly stood up, still leaning against the stove._

"_Why not James? Because I haven't let you in on every little detail of that night, of what he did to me? Because I am trying to put it behind me so that I can be happy with you? Yes, it's been two years, but every day it is less painful than the day before. If I had told you, then it would have constantly been between us. You would have been walking on eggshells around me. Everything would have been totally fucked up."_

"_Damnit, Lily, I would have tried to help you! When have I ever coddled you or been overly careful around you? Everything would _not_ have been fucked up!"_

"_Yes it would've-"_

"_No! You don't get it! Even if I didn't know exactly what happened that night, I knew something was wrong and it _killed_ me that you wouldn't let me in, wouldn't trust me enough to help you. You hurting hurts me. Don't you get that?"_

_Lily just looked at him, but some of the anger had faded from her eyes. Maybe, _maybe_, she was starting to understand a little better where he was coming from. They were possibly making progress, and maybe now she was going to let him in a little more and they could finally move fully past this._

"_You should have handled it differently, James. You should have tried harder to get me to sit down and talk. Instead you…you cornered me." Her voice began to shake. "I've never been afraid of you before. But I was _so_ scared. I didn't know what you were going to do."_

_James took a hesitant step towards her again – she tensed slightly but didn't move. She just watched him._

"_I keep thinking about what I could have done if I had gotten there ten minutes earlier. I could have saved you, prevented the whole thing. The guilt ate me alive for months. I felt like I failed you."_

"_James, we weren't even dating then."_

"_I know!" he shouted, more out of frustration than anything. She took a half-step back. "It's just – even back then you were everything to me. And so, when I didn't find you in time…I _did_ fail you." She was shaking her head but he paid no attention. "I've spent the last two years trying to make it up to you, trying to make you happy so you wouldn't hate me. That's why I never left you during those first few months, why I insisted on moving in with you, proposing, marrying you – I wanted you to feel safe."_

_Lily had frozen. She looked up at him and he was shocked by the pain he saw on her face._

"_Lily?"_

"_That-" her voice broke. "That's why you stayed with me – married me? Guilt?" The anguish was clear in her voice, and James realized what he said. He hastened to reassure her, but she wasn't listening – the tears were pouring down her face._

"_I didn't realize I was such a…a burden…to you." James was shaking his head fervently. "I'll – I'll just…go." Her voice faded on the last word. Before James could take another step towards her or say another word, she had Disapparated._

The end...of that chapter.

I have temporarily misplaced the chapter list I had, so it will be a few more days before I can even contemplate putting up the next chapter. But, I have some one-shots floating through my head, so I will hopefully not be _totally_ inactive.

Review please!! That green button is just calling your name, I know!!


	5. Relapsing

It's three a.m. And I'm staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping.

Not that this is out of the ordinary anymore. For the last two weeks the nightmares have gotten worse. And it's far more difficult to go back to sleep afterwards when my husband isn't here to comfort me anymore.

But I guess that's also my fault. I left, didn't I? _But,_ a little voice argues, _James cornered you. He scared you, even though he's supposed to protect you. _And_ he said he married you out of guilt. What else were you supposed to do?_

I know that he didn't marry me out of guilt, I argued back at myself – maybe I'm losing it, going crazy like I almost did two years ago.

_Are you sure?_

Yes. Positive. James loves me, he has since Hogwarts.

_But before he and Sirius found you that night, he had been leaving you alone. He hadn't asked you out in over a year, and the two of you were barely speaking. And then he rescues you and _voila_ the two of you are married. Seems like guilt to me, not true love…_

I sighed, and rolled out of bed to stand at the small window in my small room. I hated when this happened. It was becoming a routine almost – go to sleep, have a nightmare, wake up, miss James, think about James, argue with self about James, get out of bed, look out window, wait till morning, go to work exhausted, etc.

But I didn't have work tomorrow. I had an appointment with a counselor. I couldn't keep going like this – alone, with nightmares and becoming as jumpy and nervous as I used to be. Even Mr Blott was becoming increasingly worried about me - I guess the dark circles under my eyes were getting more and more noticeable.

What James had said to me – yelled at me, more like – in the kitchen, about how I wasn't really dealing with it, had kept nagging at me. Part of me knew he was right. And so I was going to try to – deal with it, that is.

I sighed and looked wistfully at my bed. I knew I would never get back to sleep. Instead, I did what I had done a few nights ago on a whim – I put on some jeans and a coat and Apparated to the house James and I had lived in.

It was strange, being here again. Even stranger was the fact that he wasn't here with me. And it didn't feel right – it felt like I shouldn't ever be in this house without James with me.

There was a thin layer of dust on the counters – nobody had used anything in the house in two months. Sirius had come to me a week ago to tell me that James was staying with him, and had been since the night after I left. He also told me that James was miserable because he felt like it was all his fault, the rape, the fight, our separation, everything. And it was that, more than anything really, that made me make that appointment for tomorrow. I wanted to prove to James that it wasn't all his fault, that he had a few fair points – I just hadn't wanted to listen at the time.

I heard footsteps in the living room and I pulled out my wand noiselessly, edging closer to the door. Then a sigh.

I knew that sigh. I just didn't know what it was doing here.

"James?" I asked softly, stepping into the living room. He jumped about a foot in the air and whirled around, his wand out. I flinched, ready for a curse to hit me – he was a trained and highly skilled Auror – I should know better than to sneak up on him.

"Lily?" He asked incredulously before lowering his wand. "What – what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." He didn't reply, so I continued. "I couldn't sleep."

"Did you have a nightmare?" I nodded and he tensed, as if waiting for me to bring up our fight. It shocked me to realize that that evening had been the last time before now that the two of us were in this house together. An ache developed in my chest at the thought. _This isn't right. This isn't how it's supposed to be._

"What are you doing here?" I asked in the awkward silence.

"I couldn't sleep either. And then I got kind of homesick and decided to come here."

We just stood there silently – and it wasn't a comfortable silence either – for a few minutes, just looking at each other. We both wanted to talk, I could tell, but I know that I didn't want to say anything that would make him leave. I was pretty sure he felt the same.

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. "I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow," I burst out. James looked at me – he had been studying the picture of us on our wedding day on the wall – and I could see the shock on his face.

"Really – wow – um, that's – it's good right?" I nodded slowly, praying he would say something else. He didn't, he just continued to stare at me.

"How – how've you been?" I cringed as the words left my mouth. What an idiotic question.

James smiled half-heartedly, but it didn't reach his eyes – they looked miserable.

"As well as can be expected. You?"

"Horrible," I replied, shaking my head. "I keep having nightmares, and now when I wake up I'm alone and it's scary – terrifying actually." Telling him this gave me an odd sense of relief, like a small weight was being lifted off my shoulders. _You should have done this a long time ago_, the voice argued. _Then you wouldn't be here_.

James's hand twitched – I could tell he wanted to take my hand and pull me into his arms, but didn't dare. I was slightly relieved – I could still vividly picture his face from that night, and how angry he had been. That scared me as well.

I moved to the couch and sat down and he sat hesitantly next to me.

"Lily, I…" he trailed off. "I'm really, really sorry." I opened my mouth to interrupt but he waved his hand, and I closed it, listening intently. He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face. He was frustrated – I had seen that gesture too many times to not know what it meant. I reached up slowly and took his left hand in mine – like I had on our wedding day, I thought wryly.

James stared at the empty fireplace for a moment before continuing.

"I should never – _never_ – have done what I did. Cornering you like that. I know you hate that. It's been killing me these last two months to know that I scared you. I wasn't supposed to do that – I'm your husband, I'm supposed to be helping you and keeping you safe from other things that scare you. I just…" he looked at me pleadingly, his eyes begging me to understand. "I was so worried about you. You wouldn't let me in, and you wouldn't tell me what really happened to you. I wanted to know, but I shouldn't have tried to get you to tell me like that. And what I said about staying with you because I felt guilty…Lily, nothing has ever been further from the truth. I've been hopelessly in love with you since I was twelve. _Please_ tell me you believe that."

Now I took a deep breath, and reached up with my right hand to stroke his cheek. I could see a little hope bloom in his eyes when I did.

"James…"I hesitated, not sure of what to say – how to phrase it. "I don't believe you married me out of guilt," I continued slowly. "It was just…that night…I wasn't thinking clearly and I was already emotional and scared and so confused that when you said that, it made me think the worst. And that was horrible for me – you're _everything_ to me and to think that you didn't feel the same way about me was completely awful." I paused at the morose look on his face.

"But," I said, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth, "I know that you are with me because you love me. And I am going to see a counselor because I love you and I can't keep living like this – without you."

James was smiling now too – I had forgotten how his smile could light up my whole world.

I couldn't help it - I had to ask. The question had been burning in the back of my head since my second night at the Leaky Cauldron.

"Did you ever have any ideas about what - what happened to me?"

His brows furrowed together in concentration. "Well," he replied, "I figured he had tortured you. When I first found you, it occured to me that maybe he had r-raped," he stumbled over the word, watching for my reaction to it, "you, but I tried not to think about it, and I just..." he trailed off. "I hoped it wasn't true. I guess I was kind of living in denial these last few years too - I assumed that you would tell me if something like that happened to you, and you didn't, so I figured he just tortured you and threatened you and scared the utter hell out of you."

I slapped him playfully. "_Denial_?" I asked teasingly. He smiled again.

He frowned and looked at our hands, which were still clasped in between us. He ran his thumb over my ring finger – my _bare_ ring finger – again. I hadn't realized he'd been doing it while we were talking.

"You aren't wearing your wedding rings," he said, hurt obvious in his voice.

"Oh, no, that's because I take them off when I sleep, remember? I just didn't think to put them back on before I came here."

He looked back up at me, a small smile back on his lips. Worry lingered in his eyes.

"Can I – can I hug you?"

I hesitated, then nodded, and he leaned forward slowly and wrapped his arms around me. I sank into his embrace, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder. I had missed this desperately during these last months, more than anything – just being held by him, because then I felt safer than anywhere else.

James pulled back, and I could sense the reluctance in him.

"I should get back to my room at the Leaky Cauldron. That way I can try to sleep a little more before my appointment tomorrow."

He nodded, disappointed. I stood, but he held onto my hand and stood next to me.

"Will you tell me how it goes? I mean," he added hastily, "if you're up for it. You don't have to-"

I smiled. "Come by the Leaky Cauldron around two, okay?" He nodded happily, and I surprised myself by leaning in and kissing him on the cheek.

James smiled. "I'll be there," he said decisively.

"It's a date."

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**A/N:** So I can't decide if I like this chapter or not - I had some major writer's block issues with it, and I don't think I'm entirely happy with it. But, on a happier note, after this the chapters will get happier and this will probably be the only depressing fic I do because they are just such a drain on my emotions. Now, I command you to clicky the green button!!!


	6. Reconnecting

I could see her walking through the back door of the Leaky Cauldron. That unmistakable red hair gave her away. She scanned the room, spotted me, smiled, and walked over.

She had started to amaze me again. I guess three months of not living together was finally taking its toll on me. When she walked in a room, I got flutters in my stomach. When she smiled at me, my heart flipped. On the rare (although becoming more frequent) occasions that we touched, my heart was racing so fast that I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. I was starting to think that I had taken for granted the fact that she would always be there when I woke up, and now I was paying for it - although not in a bad way.

Lily sat down across from me after leaning across the table to give me a swift kiss on the cheek – cue the heart racing – looking happy, but tired. She usually looked like this after a session.

They had been helping a lot, her therapy sessions. She was starting to become the vivacious girl she had been at Hogwarts, the one I fell head-over-heels in love with.

"How was it?"

She ordered a coffee and then turned to face me again. It was a little past lunchtime, but she never ordered food after a session. She said she was too overwhelmed to be hungry, although lately she had been looking less and less like therapy was overwhelming her. I guess it was because they had talked about the whole thing already, gotten it out of the way - now they were talking about...well, actually I didn't know. It changed on a day to day basis.

Lily had met me at the Leaky Cauldron after her first meeting with the counselor a month ago - well, maybe _met_ isn't the right word. She came in, looking distraught, and ran up to her room. I followed. She cried a lot as she told me about it - her counselor had made her talk about the rape in detail, make her relive every little moment of it. I had thought this was a little too harsh, and was ready to go have a few words - most of which were jinxes - with her, but Lily had stopped me. "It helped, James, it really did. I feel like now that it's out of me, I can start to push past it and get better, really heal."

Fortunately, after that the sessions had become less brutal, though still exhausting and emotional - for both of us. After three weeks, Lily had even started to come back looking sort of happy. Like today.

"Well…" she drew the word out. I arched my eyebrow.

"Well…" I repeated, smiling at her. To my surprise, she _blushed_. "Lily Evans, are you blushing?!"

"Yes, I suppose I am, and it's Lily _Potter_ to you!" I smiled again and so did she. We did this a lot – I used her maiden name and she corrected me. It was becoming almost an inside thing between the two of us.

"It was good today," she began. "We're talking about more than just the rape now-" I flinched at the word; I still didn't like hearing it in connection with my wife – "and we actually talked about…you."

I nearly spat out my coffee. "ME?!"

"Yes, James, you. You _are_ a pretty big part of my life, you know," she said wryly. I just sat there, surprised.

"Did you honestly think you were never going to come up in my sessions?" she asked me, a half exasperated, half amused look on her lovely face.

"Well I knew I would be mentioned, but I didn't know that you would ever spend an entire session talking about me." We sat there quietly for a moment, both of us drinking our coffees. Lily absentmindedly played with her wedding rings, spinning them around her finger.

"So, umm…what – what did you say about me?"

Lily smiled. "Well, she wanted to know how we met, when we started dating, the usual stuff. She found our Hogwarts relationship to be most amusing. I told her about you finding me in the alley, you and Sirius, and how you were there for me for the year after that. Then we got married, and almost lived happily ever after." Her smile slipped a little. It was the first time since that night in our living room that we had come close to talking about our nearly shattered marriage.

"She said that I need to keep working on letting you in."

I met her eyes for a moment and smiled.

"You _have_ been letting me in," I replied, reaching across the table to take her hand. "You've told me more in this last month than you have since we met. And it means a lot to me that you feel that you _can_ tell me this."

Lily intertwined her fingers with mine and smiled at me.

"Come on," she said softly, standing up and tugging my hand. When I was standing next to her, she held onto my arm and Disapparated.

Apparating, to me, has never, _ever_ been fun. I only do it if it's completely necessary; I seriously prefer the broom, or even Floo. So, being caught off guard, it was a few moments before I realized where we were standing.

"How did you find this place?" I asked – I could hear the tone of wonder in my voice.

"I don't know, really," she admitted. "I just had this vague sort of image in my head one day about where I wanted to go, and I Disapparated and ended up…here." Lily sighed, and I turned to look at her. She had such an expression of contentment on her face, she looked so peaceful and so damned beautiful, that it was all I could do not to jump her right there. Instead, I look around.

She'd brought me to a cliff over the sea. My guess is it's somewhere in Ireland. Behind us is a field of pure green grass and shamrocks, the greenest I have ever seen. In front of us is the sea – not gray and murky like it is in most places off the coast of England, but blue. So blue, in fact, that it blends into the sky at the horizon. It's difficult to say where the sky ends and the water begins.

I turn to look behind us again – off in the distance I can see a forest. Right next to me is my beautiful wife, who has brought me, trusted me enough to show me her sanctuary.

"James," Lily says softly, pulling me out of my reverie – apparently I had been staring at her. She conjures a blanket for us to sit on before continuing.

"I wanted to apologize."

I know my confusion was evident on my face.

"I'm sorry that I never told you. I know now that I should have. It's just…" she looked off at the sea, seemingly uncertain of how to continue.

"I didn't want you to look at me different. I was _so_ afraid you would have, and then everything would have gotten very…fragile. And you may have tried not to, but you would have inadvertently. And I didn't want to be looked at like a broken person, or someone you needed to be careful around. I preferred being looked at like…like I'm your wife and you love me."

"You _are_ my wife and I _do_ love you. More than you can possibly imagine."

She smiled, a real smile that I hadn't seen in three months.

"That's good to know."

"Isn't it though?"

"And I love you too James."

"That's _really_ good to know." Our eyes met and we both burst into laughter. I know it wasn't that funny, what we were talking about, but I was just happy that I could still laugh with Lily – all was not lost.

We finally managed to pull ourselves together and just lay there for awhile, her head on my chest and her arms around my waist, watching the sunset, just talking.

"I've missed this," she admitted, as the sun sank further and further into the horizon. I didn't say anything, stroking her back while I waited for her to elaborate.

"I feel like a giddy schoolgirl around you again. You remember when I blushed earlier today? You smiled at me, and I just got all giggly and happy. And," she added, snuggling closer to me, "I missed being held by you."

"I missed holding you. And if it makes you feel better, I'm feel giddy when I see you too. I get butterflies when I see you, and my heart leaps out of my chest when you smile at me. It makes me feel like I'm at Hogwarts all over again."

"I make you _giddy_? You are so _sweet_!" Ok, now she was trying to mess with me.

"Oh, really, Miss Evans?" I flipped us over so I was partially on top of her. She tensed for a moment before relaxing and smiling.

"Yes, Mr Potter. You are the sweetest man I have ever met. The sweetest man in all of England – no, wait, all the world!"

"Oh, I'll show you sweet."

And I proceeded to tickle her within an inch of her life.

"Okay! I-I surrender! You win!" She screamed breathlessly, still laughing.

"That's what I tho-" I was cut off as she reached up and kissed me.

Before I realized what I was doing, I pulled away.

"James?" Lily's voice seemed to be coming from far away. She was looking at me confusedly.

"I'm sorry Lil, I just – I – I don't want…to push you."

Now she looked exasperated and not a little pissed.

"James, it's ok. Really. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have kissed you to begin with!"

"I know that, it's just…" I trailed off.

"It's just what?"

"Well…I've had to go three months without really being able to hold you or kiss you or make love to you, and I'm just worried that…I might kind of…well, I don't know how much self-control I have, put it that way."

"Oh…well, you are just going to have to get some self control, because I would like to kiss my husband again." And she pulled my head back down to hers.

I'd forgotten what kissing Lily could do to me. I felt like my whole body was on fire, like I would never get enough of her, and I couldn't believe I had forgotten that she tasted so good.

The sun had fully set by the time we Apparated back to the Leaky Cauldron.

"Lily," I said hesitantly as we stood outside her door. She peered up at me in the semi-darkness. "I was wondering if you had thought about when you might consider maybe…coming home."

"I hadn't thought about it yet. But I need some more time by myself, okay? My Healer training will be done in three weeks – why don't we talk about it then?" I nodded slowly, not trusting my voice. I fought down the selfish part of me that demanded she come home way sooner than that – as in, tomorrow. I wasn't going to push her and mess this up again. If she needed time, I would do my best to give it to her.

We kissed softly before she went inside her room, and I went downstairs and took the Floo to our house.

It was still really dusty, same as it had been the last time I was here. I strolled through the house, remembering the times Lily and I had shared here, focusing only on the good ones.

I retrieved my broom from the case I kept it in and decided to fly it back to Sirius's – it was just as well: I was pretty sure we were out of Floo Powder. I turned around to look at the house one last time and my eye was caught by a movement on the wall.

It was just a photo.

A grin spread across my face. I had a plan now, formed almost instantaneously after glimpsing the picture. Time to round up the Marauders. I only had three weeks, and I couldn't do it by myself.

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**A/N:** So that was that chapter - now there is only one more, and the epilogue. And both of those are happy!

review _review review **review REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!**_


	7. Reuniting

**Warning: Fluffiness ahead. I was tired of the depressing aspects of the story, and so the end of this chapter is almost an OD on fluff. Let me know if it's too much!**

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He's up to something, that husband of mine. I just wish I could figure out what it was.

James has stopped by the Leaky Cauldron nearly every day for the last two weeks just to say hi. He used to come to see me at Flourish and Blotts, but I've had to quit that job since I'm almost done with Healer training. One more week and I'll be an official, fully fledged Healer, with my own patients and everything.

I haven't gone back to our house in these last two weeks, for two reasons. The first is that James has asked me not to, for reasons he has not wanted to elaborate on, knowing that would undoubtedly make me extremely curious and infuriate me. He's good at that. The second reason is that I've been so insanely busy lately with the ending stages of my training that I've barely had time to eat and sleep. Or at least that's what it feels like.

These last two weeks have made things so much better between James and I – I can't help but think this is the relationship we never got to have at Hogwarts. And it's really quite amazing. I'll come back to my room and find a bouquet of lilies or he'll stop by and take me out to lunch or dinner or, even breakfast. We talk about anything and everything under the sun, or we don't talk much at all; I can't help but think that had I just gotten help earlier in our relationship, we would already be this happy. Maybe we would even have kids by now. I've always wanted a baby (several, actually), and I'm pretty sure James has too.

"Lilyyyyyyyyy!" I hear James calling from outside my room. Luckily, pretty much everyone else has already gone out to enjoy this beautiful Saturday, and so nobody will come to me later and complain.

I open the door and practically launch myself into his arms before kissing him on the cheek. He laughs and swings me around as much as he can in this tiny hallway.

"Where to for lunch today?" I asked after he set me down.

"Where would you like to go?"

"I'm not picky."

"Liar."

We both laughed. It amazed me sometimes, how much more easily the banter and the laughing came to us now.

We ate at a small Muggle café on the outskirts of London before deciding to walk around the park.

We don't really talk about much right now – sometimes nowadays we just like being in each other's company. I like to think that my therapy is really helping me. Before, I could never talk to James like this – I always felt like he was picking apart my words, trying to see if I was okay or if I was still hurting or needed fixing, like there was always a problem with me that he was trying to find.

But that's really different now – we're both really open and honest with each other. I tell James pretty much everything that I talk about in therapy – my counselor said that was a good idea, and she's right so far.

James's voice pulls me back to Earth.

"Have you thought anymore about moving back home?"

I have – a lot. But I'm really nervous.

"Well," I reply slowly, "I have." He says nothing, just looks at me expectantly. "I don't know."

He sighs – I know he wants me to come home, even though I know for a fact he's still living with Sirius. Neither of us feels comfortable about living in the house without the other. But he doesn't push it, thankfully.

I brought it up with my counselor at my next session two days later, praying she would give me some good advice as she is so prone to do.

"Lily, the only thing I can tell you is to do what you feel ready for. Do you feel like you are ready to move back in with James?"

I hesitated before answering.

"I honestly don't know. I love James more than anything, but I'm really nervous that us living together will make us regress to what we had before."

She looks at me intently for a minute.

"I don't think you two will have to worry about that. From what you have told me, your relationship is much stronger now than it was previously, especially since you have opened up to him more. But, I am also _not_ a marriage counselor, nor have I ever spoken to James personally. This is your decision."

So it was. But that didn't make it any easier. Not for the first time did I wish I could talk to my mother about all this – she was always really good at advice for me and Petunia. But she died not long after James and I got married.

I sighed as I arrived back in my room at the Cauldron. It was lonely here, all by myself, no James, no Marauders bursting in at all hours of the day and night.

Exhausted from another grueling day of training and therapy, I showered, changed, placed my wedding rings on the nightstand like I did every night, and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I panicked the next morning when I woke up – my wedding rings were _gone_. I searched the floor, the nightstand, everywhere in that little room and bathroom I could think of. If it wasn't for the fact that I clearly remember putting them on the nightstand before falling asleep I would have been afraid I lost them down the drain in the shower.

But they were _gone_. My wedding rings, the most important pieces of jewelry in my world, had vanished without a trace.

I ran downstairs and took the Floo to Sirius's flat, all the while praying Sirius didn't have some lady friend over.

I fell out of the grate and spotted Sirius and James sitting at the coffee table, their heads bent over a piece of parchment. It was almost like being back at Hogwarts and seeing them poring over the Map.

They looked up at me and, meeting James's eyes, I promptly burst into tears. He and Sirius were out of their seats in a flash and led me over to the couch. I sat down, and James crouched in front of me, trying to understand what I was sputtering through my tears. He wasn't having much luck.

"Lily…Lily…_Lily_!"

"Wh-what?" I sniffed.

"Slow down and say that again."

I looked at the floor – I was so upset and worried that he would be mad at me that I didn't know if I could look him in the eye.

He reached up and grasped my chin in his hand, lifting my face to meet his.

"Lily?" He was really worried now, I could see it in his eyes. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"My – my r-rings are g-gone." I burst into fresh sobs.

"What rings?"

"My wedding rings! They're m-missing, I think th-they've been stolen."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, they w-were on my n-nightstand last night, I p-put them there every n-night, and when I w-woke up…th-they were g-gone!" And I started to cry even harder.

James wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his shoulder for a few minutes. Sirius had mysteriously disappeared.

"Lily, we can replace your wedding rings." He shook his head as I opened my mouth to interrupt. "It's not a big deal, okay? They are just a piece of jewelry, and they can't possibly show how much I love you, big and sparkly though they may be."

"I know, it's just…it feels like a bad sign…everything was going so well, and now my rings are missing. And I know it's just jewelry, but it's the only jewelry anyone has ever given me, and every time I look at them on my hand, I…" I trailed off, not sure how to phrase what I was feeling. James didn't interrupt. "I felt like everything was going to be okay. And I felt like you were always with me."

James sighed, giving me a half-amused, half-exasperated look.

"You," he kissed me, "are" – _kiss_ – "so" – _kiss_ – "adorable." I gave a watery chuckle.

"How about we go to the jewelry store next week after your training is done and replace your rings?" I nodded, a small smile playing on my face. "And until then, you can wear this." He tugged off his own wedding band and slid it on my finger.

We both laughed as it slid back off, and he picked it up off the floor and placed it on my thumb instead.

"And," he continues, still grinning, "it is not a bad sign. Everything is going to be fine, okay?" I nod, and he leans forward and kisses me.

We stay like that for awhile – kissing, like we'll never get enough of each other (which I never will) – until Sirius interrupts. Dumb dog.

The next few days pass quickly. I don't have another session for a week and it's back to paperwork in training, all the final details being ironed out.

Friday I arrived back in my room to find a bag hanging on my closet door with a note attached. It reads, _Found this and thought you would look beautiful in it. Date tomorrow night? I'll pick you up at seven. James_

I decided against peeking at the dress until the next afternoon. It was hard though – I was dying of curiosity: James had never bought me a dress before, and I could only wonder at his taste.

I was in luck – he apparently knew what to buy me. I slipped into the dress and pinned my hair back from my face. I had charmed it to fall in longer and smoother curls than usual, so it hung past my shoulder blades.

The dress was an ivory colored strapless, stopping just above my knees. Lace covered my chest, and the rest of the dress flowed softly around my legs. I didn't know where James found this, but it was perfect.

There was a knock on the door, and I pulled it open. James's jaw dropped. Mine did too, in all honesty. I'd forgotten how well James could clean up – he was wearing a simple blue button down shirt and khaki pants, but I almost started drooling.

He recovered first…mostly.

"Ready? Are you…I mean, you ready? I mean…wow."

I blushed and nodded.

James grabbed my hand.

"Hold on." He teased.

"Oh! Wait, I don't have shoes on!"

James laughed softly. "It's ok. You won't need them." And he Disapparated, taking me with him.

We arrived in my field – the one on the cliff that I had brought him to a few weeks ago. Only it was different – there were candles, a lot of candles, all of them floating a few inches off the ground.

"James…" I said softly, looking around. I couldn't see the ocean anymore, it was dark, but I could see the stars, more stars than I had ever seen before in my life.

"Lily," I heard from behind me. I turned slowly on the spot, still looking at the sky and relishing the feel of the grass between my toes.

"Yes?"

"Lily," a hint of impatience this time. I looked at James…or at least, where he had been.

Now, he was on one knee in the grass.

And holding my engagement ring – the one that went missing a few days ago.

"Lily," he took a breath, and my hand automatically moved to cover my mouth. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears and ruining the small amount of make-up I had on.

"Will you marry me…again?"

I couldn't even speak. All I could do was nod and watch, almost in slow-motion, as he slid the ring back on my finger, stood, picked me up and spun me around.

"James," I said breathlessly after he had set me down, "you are, without a doubt, the most amazing husband a girl could ask for. Ever." He simply smiled and leaned down to kiss me.

"He gets better," a voice behind me said, and turning, I spotted Remus and Sirius walking towards us.

"Confused?" Remus asked. I nodded, my arms still around James's waist.

"We'll let James explain," Sirius said, laughter in his voice. "This was all his idea anyways." I turned back to look up at James. He laughed nervously and ran his hand through his hair.

"Well, I wanted to show you that everything is going to be okay. So I thought we could renew our vows here, tonight…if that's okay with you." My jaw dropped for the second time that night. Who was this man, and what had he done with my _real_ husband? James was usually a sweetheart, yes, but he was never really one for huge romantic gestures like this. I was completely flabbergasted.

"If you don't like the idea, then we don't-" I cut him off by flinging my arms around his neck and snogging him senseless – at least, until someone coughed in the background.

"It is a _wonderful_ idea," I murmured. "And you are a genius. But do me a favor?" He nodded. "After this is over, can you tell me where you stashed the _real_ James Potter?" James looked confused for a moment before laughing.

"Hey, I take offense to that! I am perfectly capable of pulling off wonderful surprises for my wife!"

"Oh, really? Since when?"

"Since always!"

"That is not true! When was the last time you-"

"Guys?"

James and I looked over at Remus. "What?"

"Do you want to maybe, I don't know, get married?" Oh yeah, that. Next to Remus, Sirius was laughing so hard he was doubled over.

"Wow," he said, finally catching his breath. "That made me feel like I was at Hogwarts again. I didn't realize I'd actually missed you guys fighting." James leans down, scoops up a handful of grass, and tosses it at Sirius. He missed by several feet, which just makes him laugh harder.

"Anyways," Remus says, throwing a disdainful look at Sirius, "since everyone is here, why don't we take our places? Bride-" he points at me, "groom-" James, "officiating person-" at himself, "and resident idiot." The last is aimed at Sirius.

James takes a step back from me, but holds onto my hands. Remus stands almost between us, and Sirius, now that he has calmed down, stands next to James.

"Well," Remus begins, "I'm not sure exactly what to say, so I suppose I will just let the two of you say what you need to." He gestures to me to go first.

"James," I said softly, then pause, unsure how to continue. "I don't know what to say. You've brought me here, done this for me, and I can't even – I don't-" I realize tears are running down my face and I laugh softly.

"I love you so much," I continue, my voice wavering slightly. "I don't know what I would do without you anymore. Not having you around makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I just wish…I just wish…

"I just wish I would have let you in sooner. I should have shown you that I trusted you as much as I love you. But I do trust you now, completely. And I promise to keep trusting you for the rest of our lives. I don't have to promise to keep loving you for that long, because I'm not worried about that. There's nothing in this world that could make me stop."

I had to stop there – I was crying so much that I was amazed I could still see. James was crying too, although not nearly as much as I was.

"Lily," came Remus's voice from my left, "place James's ring back on his finger." I did so, tugging it off my thumb and sliding it back onto James's hand. I felt like I was floating.

"Evans," James said, making the three of us laugh, "I love you too. I've loved you since I was twelve years old. But I never thought I'd get the chance to marry you once, let alone twice. Everything that has happened these last few months have only made us stronger together, and we are going to be strong and happy and healthy and in love and fighting for the rest of our lives. Four and a half months ago, I was bitter, and we were fighting, and nothing seemed right. I had an entire list of things I would have changed if I could've.

"But now there isn't a single thing I would change about any time we have had together. Not a single thing. Because everything in my life has brought me here, to this field, to this night, with you. And that's all I could ever ask for."

"James, place Lily's ring back on her finger."

Out of James's pocket came my wedding band, and he slipped it back onto my ring finger next to my engagement ring. I could have sworn my heart was exploding with joy and love and happiness and a million other things.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife, Mr and Mrs James Potter – again. You may kiss the bride - again."

And kiss me he did. We were still kissing when he turned us slowly on the spot and Disapparated again. One of these days, he was going to do that and I was going to get splinched.

He had brought us back to our house. It was way different than the last time I had been here.

There wasn't a speck of dust anywhere to be seen. The floors were hardwood instead of carpet, and the walls were painted an off-white instead of the weird puce shade they had been when we bought the place. I had wanted to redecorate the house ever since we first moved in, but neither of us ever had time. And now, I was standing in the middle of my dream house, courtesy of the world's most amazing husband.

"So…" he hesitated. "Are you ready to come home? I know you said we would talk about it after you finished training, but I don't think I can handle spending another night without you, I'm going crazy."

I replied without a moment's hesitation – "I'm more than ready."

I could see the tension ease out of his body. I turned to survey the room, looking at the pictures hanging on the walls. James came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on top of my head.

"So do you like the house? The other Marauders helped me with it. I tried to remember everything you had said you wanted to do-"

I cut him off, turning in his arms to lean my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat like I had so many months ago.

"It's perfect."

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**Voila! There will still be an epilogue, as soon as I figure out what to make it about. Any suggestions? Let me know in a review! Gracias! Grazzi! Merci! Thanks! Danke!**


	8. Epilogue: Releasing

**So, here it is! The final part of _Returning_! I'll let you read it, and I'll talk more in the A/N at the end. :)**

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"JAMES POTTER! I HATE YOU!"

I winced as she yelled this – well, from that, and the fact that she was squeezing all the life out of my hand.

"YOU ARE NEVER COMING NEAR ME AGAIN, UNDERSTAND?"

Well no, not really, but it _was_ my fault she was here in the first place. If I wasn't so unbelievably attractive, she wouldn't be screaming her head off at me in St. Mungo's.

"I WILL KILL YOU WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!"

All because I got her pregnant.

Well, when I say it like that it sounds like I knocked her up while we were at Hogwarts. Nothing could be further from the truth. We've been married now for almost four years, and this is our first child. And judging by what she's screaming at me, our only child.

"YOU STUPID ARROGANT TOERAG! THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU…AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

It is my fault. So, I guess I deserve to be getting my hand crushed into dust by my lovely wife – it's not nearly as painful as what she's going through.

Or what she has gone through.

There are so many times when I regret the fact that I pushed her to her breaking point two and a half years ago. Not just her breaking point – _my_ breaking point, our _marriage's_ breaking point. I could have completely lost her, but instead, we're here in this hospital room while Lily gives birth to my child. My son.

And there are times I still blame myself for the entire thing. If I had just gotten to the alley a few minutes earlier, I could have saved her years of pain and nightmares. I was supposed to protect her, whether she wanted me to or not. And I failed. Because I failed, she had to endure rape, nightmares, therapy, and she had to wonder if I loved her. After all that, she still didn't completely walk away from me. She left, yes, and that nearly killed me – I don't blame her for leaving, though – but she never filed for divorce, she didn't jump into bed with someone else, she didn't do anything that meant she didn't love me. I don't deserve that from her.

So part of what I said that night in the kitchen – and believe me, I remember every word – was true. I did stay with her out of a little bit of guilt. But I also stayed with her because I have loved her for most of my life and I need her.

Lily's too good for me. Anyone could see that – even Sirius knows it. But for some reason she loves me too, and I would do anything to prove myself even the slightest bit worthy of her.

There are also times when I don't understand how she doesn't hate me, how she doesn't blame me, and how she can't still be angry with me after what I said and how badly I scared her that night in the kitchen. I made her think her own husband was going to _attack_ her!

But her view is that this happened two and a half years ago, and the rape itself two years before that. She says it consumed four years of our lives, and a year and a half of our marriage, and that's all it deserves.

And as to why she isn't angry and doesn't hate me – she says it isn't my fault. I don't believe her, but Lily says that I had nothing to do with it. It's _his_ fault, the man who raped her. And hers, she should have been more cautious and more aware. But she's moved so far past all of it, I don't think she thinks about it more than once or twice a day.

I become aware that her screaming has stopped and she is no longer breaking my hand. Instead, a soft cry fills the room, and the Healer hands Harry James Potter – we decided on a name a few weeks after finding out it was a boy – to his mother, who looks utterly exhausted, but unbelievably gorgeous.

She smiles down at him, then looks up at me with tears in her emerald eyes.

"Look," she says softly. "Look at what we did. We made this."

In all honesty, it's all I can do not to start crying like a little girl, especially when she hands me Harry.

I look down at him, and he peers up at me with Lily's eyes and my hair. I pity him somewhat, knowing what it's like to grow up with that unruly mop.

"Yeah," I reply, just as softly. "Look at what we did."

I sit down on the bed next to Lily, still cradling Harry in my arms. As I look from my beautiful wife to my even more beautiful newborn son, I realize that what Lily has been saying is true.

All is forgiven. And it should be forgotten.

* * *

**Ta-da! The end! It's over! And to be honest, I'm a little - okay, a lot - relieved. I mostly enjoyed writing this story, but I'm not sure how happy I am with the end result. Sometimes it still feels like I didn't make them deal with the real issues behind their fight and their almost-split. Eventually I may go through and re-read and edit and add some more, but that takes time. And time is something I'm very short on right now.  
Anyway, while I may not be very proud of this story as a whole, I'm very happy with how the epilogue turned out. I wrote it at 12 in the morning! And, if I may toot my own horn, it's pretty damn awesome!  
The epilogue is dedicated to _LilyHeartsMarauders, amethyst-dreams27, NJ MacReiley, -Scp-, funsizedpixie22, lovefrog159, _and_ TwiBiteLover06_ for their reviews. Thanks guys, I appreciate it. :)  
Now, if you would be so kind as to do two things for me. Well, three really. 1) REVIEW! duh. 2) Go to my profile and vote in my poll for what my next story should be. 3) Read my other stories and review those too! If you review, I'll do my best to go and read and review one of your stories! Marauder's Honor!  
~3~  
Lkay09**


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